|DC FACTS OF LIFE
|For those of you who have lived/worked/commuted in DC, you already know most of this, and
if you have moved out of the area, it brings a smile, knowing that you no longer have to put up
with it on a daily basis. For those of you who have not spent time in the DC area: Pay attention
- these are the facts of life here...
First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC, or "the District". Only tourists call it Washington.
obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete. There is no such
thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.
believe is somehow clarified by and "inner" and "outer" loop designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE
outside the Beltway.
Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound or either direction on I-95 south of the
say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel in their
neck and go into a seizure.
smile for the $100 picture you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns
green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English.)
rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.
idiot in the BMW SUV who thinks he has to conduct a conference call to negotiate world peace while swerving all
over the world. The scores of newcomers who decide to cross the road when there's a mass of cars coming at
them going 80 mph thus causing everyone to slam on their brakes which leads to an accident... and the
rubberneckers people who have to stare at the fender bender.
it's called an "Interstate" but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick (Unless you consider Montgomery County
another state, which some do. I consider it a foreign country, the Peoples Republic Of Montgomery whose
dictator, Mao Tse "Doug" Duncan is now saying that we in the USA must welcome illegal immigrants with open
arms. I hope all of 'em go there. Post directions in Spanish (what else?) on your local community Notices board)
Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under construction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is
even more confusing. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park".
indicators. Heed the warning. All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
stop to ask directions in Southeast..well, just don't, unless you're asking directions to the nearest drug dealer
or looking to buy guns.
is nothing more comforting then four lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, bumper to bumper.
our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go. The open lane for passing on
all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving
in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also. The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are
official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones.
comfortable multi-tasking in.
elevator and shout nasty things -- again, in every language known to man EXCEPT English (do what I do: Use
sign language. You know what sign) if you do not follow this rule. DC'ers are busy, important people who don't
have time to stand behind the 40 kids in Boy Scout Troop 325 visiting from Nebraska. And they'll tell you that,
Senators or Representatives, or Donald Rumsfield..you get the idea: No one cares about you or your life story.
Again, DC'ers are busy, important people who only want to talk to other busy, important people. They're not
friendly folks looking to meet new like-minded people; they only want to know what you can do for them.
Otherwise, get out of the way and stop boring 'em.
fans, near buildings, or the idiot pilots who can't see the BIG WHITE HOUSE that every 3rd grader in the nation
would identify by sight.
being evacuated. And it won't count as a vacation day.